around in circles about the same stuff as always

I feel like I'm always writing about the same thing...and I always end up writing in circles about it. I gues it not an easy thing trying to figure out what to do with ones life though. I am always pulled in two directions... or at least stuck in one place and searching for another to go to. I find myself in a position where I have a job that gives me a fair amount of freedom and I make enough money to save up and eventually (hopefully) support or at least contribute a lot towards supporting a family and I should have enough left over to retire comfortably. Those are things that I want and I find myself very reluctant to leave a job that will pretty much guarantee me the ability to do those things and that I know is not going ot make me miserable. I want to stay at Shamrock because I dont have any particular fear of ever losing my job, I know they like me, I have worked my way up off the bottom rung of their ladder and I will be able to achieve a lot of the things I want... On the other hand, I seem unable to let myself be happy at Shamrock.

The job doesn't challenge me, it's boring and its not satisfying on a mental or moral level. Not that its immoral to work there, I just feel like I'm not really a help to anyone... except occasionally my co workers and to a lesser degree I'm helpful to customers, but if I wasn't there anyone could help them and do a pretty good job, so its hard to take satisfaction in that.

The thing about leaving Shamrock is... I dont know where the hell I would go. I have read quite a few job postings on craigslist in the last month or so, and nothing really seems to be more interesting than what I'm doing. Plus I dont want to start on the bottom rung of another ladder it sucks. Its stressful thinking that you're so expendable and it makes me feel stupid when I have to constantly ask questions about what exactly it is that I'm supposed to be doing. Plus who knows if I'll make as much money at a new job. I mean there really is no harm in at least continuing to look for other jobs. If I find one that I like and find out that it will pay me as much or more than I am making that would be cool... as long as I dont lose that job... the other thing is, I feel like it takes a couple years at least to feel likeyou have job security. and without job security getting a home loan or starting a family or doing thinsg like that are hard. I dont want to just settle for anything in my life, but maybe staying put at Shamrock would be more like being practical than just settling... I mean, it is practical.

Ahh its so frustrating. There is no resolution to this issue. I must keep my eye out for other jobs though. If I dont that is pure lazyness... one other factor though is that I feel like it would be best to move probably out of state once Tony and I are ready to have kids... I feel like that would be a huge solution to the job thing because it would force me to find a new one, and I could make less money in another state and still have more buying power, plus if we moved to Arizona or to Las Vegas we would be near my brother and grandma or Tonys family, and BAM, that is free childcare within our family, so yeah that would be awesome. I dont really like hte idea of child care services and I dont think that single income middle class famili es really exist any more, so yeah, gotta get someone to sit at home and rear the children. The only problem with the out of state thing is that Tony does love his job so much. I would feel bad to have to pull him away from that and force him to take a job that he potentially might enjoy less. It would be so amazingly perfect if his company took off and he got a sweet ass raise though and could afford to support me and a child or two... taht would be a best case scenario, but sitting and waiting around for that seems pretty foolish... it could be a very very LONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG wait... perhaps even an eternal wait.

But dude, not having a job would be awesome, that is what I really enjoy doing best... having the freedom of not having a job... that is what i see farming as... its not that i dont wanna work, but I do wanna work on my own terms. I want to be able to decide what I do with my time. What i plant, how to prepare the foods I grow... and all that sort of stuff... the only problem is that I need the money first before i can retire on the farm...

ANyway I've been writing for about half an hour and I've decided nothing, and I've written nothing new really,but I do feel better about things, even though there is nothing really to feel better about... so I guess that is good.


So yeah,

the good voice and the lazy voice

I went running this morning and it was fantastic... the running itself is kinda annoying cause it makes my knee hurt and its hard to breath and what not, but it gives me a good feeling too... a very satisfied blood flowing through my body proud of myself kinda feeling, so that is why I like it. Although whenever I am thinking about going for a run (unless its early in the morning and I'm still not awake enough to fully comprehend what I'm doing) I can only seem to remember the bad parts about running. That is sad... I think what it must be is that lazy part of my subconscoious sleeps in until about 9:00 am, so that is why I genearlly can get my ass out the door to be productive and exercise or write or do generally good things before 9am (its 8:40 right now by the way), but after that i find I start to have this inner dialouge about everything good that i want to do where I'm like "I should go running it's healthy, and it really does feel good, much better than sitting on the couch actually" and then this other voice in my head is like "yeah you could go running and it might feel kinda good and what not... but probably it won't and you only get so much time to sit and relax... I mean sure you spend all day at work screwing around on the computer and most nights you just watch TV, but its the weekend, this is the only time in the whole week that you can screw around on the internet WHILE you watch TV.... and like I always give into that voice because hte argument sound so thought out and convincing... but I think the voice of good things and motivation is getting stronger lately 'cause I've been riding my bike home after work (instead of taking the train) a lot more lately. I've even turned down a ride from Jose a couple of times, and I've actually begun considering looking for a new job... I m ean I dont wanna screw over Shamrock, but really my job is where I spend the majority of my time, so having a job that I dont hate is good, but having a job that satisfies and challenges me would be Fan tastic... I think the satisfying challenging jobs might pay more too... well actually, maybe not, but they might pay comprably and that would be aweome if i could make money and feel good about what I'm doign to make it.

oh yeah, so anyway, about my run... There is this company called Oracle, that is about a mile from our apartment, and their buildings are right along this wetland lagoon kind of thing and they have a huge trail network and beautiful landscaping all around their facility. There are about 5 or 6 different several mile trails that I have been on within like a five minute walk of oracle and they are all beautful and there are so many animals. This morning I left here around like 6:15 and I got back around 8:00 and I think I only saw like 1 other human the entire time I was out, but I saw two toads, about 10 jack rabbits, a skunk (more on that in a minute) and like a million ducks and geese. Its like a little garden of eden over there and there are like lots of pretty plants and things. I really wanted to pick some of the flowers, but they were growing in an area that was being restored, so I was good and I left all the natural things there for other people and animals and what not to enjoy. I am really starting to like the area around our apartment, so when our lease is up, I hope that I can stay around here... anyway...

I think the only time I have ever seen a live skunk befor this morning was one time when I was at Disney land, I saw one running into a bush near big thunder rail road, and I was like, dude this has gotta be the m ost stressful place a wild animal could possibly live, but yeah it was cute... Today I almost ran over a skunk though. It was still dark for most of the time i was running, so like I smelled a skunky smell and hten i saw this furry thing walking along straight towards me and I thought it was a cat or something like that at first 'cause yeah I didn't put two and two together, but then i saw the stripe and I immediately turned and walked the other way, but like that skunk just kept on going like it was invincible. Like it never changed course even when I was only like 6 feet away, it just stuck its tail in the air and got its ammo ready. I was impressed. I mena having a stinky ass, must be a pretty good defense cause this thing just knew that it owned me.

Ok, so yeah those are the thoughts that have found their way into my head since I got the blood flowing this morning.