Saturday, December 29, 2007

around in circles about the same stuff as always

I feel like I'm always writing about the same thing...and I always end up writing in circles about it. I gues it not an easy thing trying to figure out what to do with ones life though. I am always pulled in two directions... or at least stuck in one place and searching for another to go to. I find myself in a position where I have a job that gives me a fair amount of freedom and I make enough money to save up and eventually (hopefully) support or at least contribute a lot towards supporting a family and I should have enough left over to retire comfortably. Those are things that I want and I find myself very reluctant to leave a job that will pretty much guarantee me the ability to do those things and that I know is not going ot make me miserable. I want to stay at Shamrock because I dont have any particular fear of ever losing my job, I know they like me, I have worked my way up off the bottom rung of their ladder and I will be able to achieve a lot of the things I want... On the other hand, I seem unable to let myself be happy at Shamrock.

The job doesn't challenge me, it's boring and its not satisfying on a mental or moral level. Not that its immoral to work there, I just feel like I'm not really a help to anyone... except occasionally my co workers and to a lesser degree I'm helpful to customers, but if I wasn't there anyone could help them and do a pretty good job, so its hard to take satisfaction in that.

The thing about leaving Shamrock is... I dont know where the hell I would go. I have read quite a few job postings on craigslist in the last month or so, and nothing really seems to be more interesting than what I'm doing. Plus I dont want to start on the bottom rung of another ladder it sucks. Its stressful thinking that you're so expendable and it makes me feel stupid when I have to constantly ask questions about what exactly it is that I'm supposed to be doing. Plus who knows if I'll make as much money at a new job. I mean there really is no harm in at least continuing to look for other jobs. If I find one that I like and find out that it will pay me as much or more than I am making that would be cool... as long as I dont lose that job... the other thing is, I feel like it takes a couple years at least to feel likeyou have job security. and without job security getting a home loan or starting a family or doing thinsg like that are hard. I dont want to just settle for anything in my life, but maybe staying put at Shamrock would be more like being practical than just settling... I mean, it is practical.

Ahh its so frustrating. There is no resolution to this issue. I must keep my eye out for other jobs though. If I dont that is pure lazyness... one other factor though is that I feel like it would be best to move probably out of state once Tony and I are ready to have kids... I feel like that would be a huge solution to the job thing because it would force me to find a new one, and I could make less money in another state and still have more buying power, plus if we moved to Arizona or to Las Vegas we would be near my brother and grandma or Tonys family, and BAM, that is free childcare within our family, so yeah that would be awesome. I dont really like hte idea of child care services and I dont think that single income middle class famili es really exist any more, so yeah, gotta get someone to sit at home and rear the children. The only problem with the out of state thing is that Tony does love his job so much. I would feel bad to have to pull him away from that and force him to take a job that he potentially might enjoy less. It would be so amazingly perfect if his company took off and he got a sweet ass raise though and could afford to support me and a child or two... taht would be a best case scenario, but sitting and waiting around for that seems pretty foolish... it could be a very very LONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG wait... perhaps even an eternal wait.

But dude, not having a job would be awesome, that is what I really enjoy doing best... having the freedom of not having a job... that is what i see farming as... its not that i dont wanna work, but I do wanna work on my own terms. I want to be able to decide what I do with my time. What i plant, how to prepare the foods I grow... and all that sort of stuff... the only problem is that I need the money first before i can retire on the farm...

ANyway I've been writing for about half an hour and I've decided nothing, and I've written nothing new really,but I do feel better about things, even though there is nothing really to feel better about... so I guess that is good.

So yeah,


Dad said...

Hi -- I can really identify with wanting to control your life and not work, just do what you want. The money control thing has really caused that attitude a problem. After you add one or two kids it will get even more difficult.
-- Farming is much more work than you think and will not let you be flexible in getting around to things -- Dad

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