Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Reel Big Fishing

So last weekend was Thanksgiving and since this is an odd numbered year, Tony and I were at home with my family (and I won't get to see my family at Christmas 'cause we'll be at Tony's parents ) .;

so anyway I'm not sure how it came up, but we were all sitting around talking about how adorable I was as a child and I was saying how I was so cute they used my picture on the cover of that section in my senior year book where all the parents put a baby pic of their kid and wrote something sweet about how wonderful their kid was, so my dad said he had no recollection of giving them a picture or having them write a message in my year book, so I brought the book down to show them and indeed I was an even cuter child than anyone had remembered.

Since I had my yearbook out, I started looking through it, and Tony wanted to see my senior picture, so I showed it to him and I was a little mebarassed when I saw my senior quote "I'm just a little tiny fish that's all i'll ever be - Reel Big Fish" I was kind of embarassed to think of how pesamistic and unconfident my quote was, and I started to think "what must everyone who read this think of me?" but yeah after a while I realized that was a pretty fitting quote for me at the time and if anything it's become even more fitting, but the difference is now, I don't really care. I don't really expect to ever be a big fish. When I had them put that quote below my picture, I still kinda thought it might become ironic one day when I was off winning gold medals in swimming and publish books and what not... now I'm just like it's so embarrasing that people would see that quote because i really will be a small fish forever.... oh and how embarassing that I was soooo into ska... oh well, everyone has their quirks when they're young.... who knows... maybe someday i will publish a book and win a triathalon or something and laugh about how i said that i was always going to be a little tiny fish.

Saturday, November 17, 2007


my whole life feels like nothing but waiting around for what's next... I am just waiting for the next cool thing to happen to me or come to me and not making anything happen. When I'm at an event or watching TV or working or whatever I'm always thinking about what I'll do when I'm done with my current task and only paying half attention to what is currently going on. I think that is why I never seem to be able to enjoy Sundays... I'm already thinking about having to go to work the next day. Friday and Saturday are good though 'cause I know the next day will be free for me, but yeah the rest of the days of the week are kind of a bummer. Right now I am sitting on the couch watching movies and biding my time until Tony gets back from hanging out with his friend March... three hours ago I was wishing Tony would just leave already so I could get my night of chilling around the apartment alone going... what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I just live in the present and enjoy what's going on now... I mean I do generally enjoy my mornings. That is when I am outside and active and I feel good... of coarse in the back of my mind I am still planning out the rest of the day, but the rest of the day always seems like it could end up being so fun and hopeful.

In regards to making my life happen. I really should start working on that. I'm always like, "someday I really am going to write a novel" or "someday I'll own a house" meanwhile I've been cranking out a novel 1 sentence per week for months and making pretty much no progress. I know that if I wanna ever buy a house in the bay area, I need to get a job that will pay more money... or publish a novel or whatever, but I'm just kinda laying back and riding things out... waiting for something that makes my job unbearable so I will have to leave or some opportunity to just fall into my lap. It's lame. I mean I AM comfortable with my life at this point, but there is more that I want out of life that I really am going to need to step it up for at some point.

I know that plenty of people don't make as much money as me and a lot of people would be thrilled to have such a laid back job, but I like to be busy, the day goes faster when there is more work to do... and I like to feel useful. I do get the occasional busy day or glimmer of job satisfaction, but for the most part I am just fucking up my vision staring at a computer all day while I rot my mind playing stupid computer games.

So yeah I should strive for more there is no excuse for my laziness, but I sometimes get into this internal conflict where I just get really angry with myself for taking all the good things that I have for granted and always thinking that what I have is not enough. I should be satisfied with my life as it is. I have a job that pays me plenty. I can afford a nice apartment and I can afford to go out to eat occasionally and travel and still put some money away for the future. I have a boyfriend who loves me very much and is supportive of me and treats me well. I have a family who loves me and some really good friends. All in all I do have a good life, so wanting more seems a little greedy, but not trying to get more seems lazy. I guess I just won't let myself win, and if it comes down to it, it always seems like the better thing ( or at least the American thing) is to try to appreciate what I have, but never stop striving for more.

So yeah this has been another pep talk that will probably not amount to anything. I'm not going to work on my novel right now, I'm not going to search jobs, I'm going to continue to watch "The opposite of sex"... even though it's only a pretty good movie so far... and wait for Tony. I so admire those people who just accept their flaws and say " Yeah I'm a bitch and I'm fat and I don't give a shittt!". Because I guess everyone has flaws, but the ones that don't give a shit about them... don't give a shit, so they are happy, so maybe I should just say "yeah bitches I'm not ambitious, but I'm a good person and I'm gonna enjoy my life and do good in my own world and fuck anyone who has a problem with it"

Anyway, now I really don't know where the hell I stand... I wonder if I have mild schizophrenia or something.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

my weird superstition

I have been getting dizzy a lot lately... that is to say twice in the last two days I have felt dizzy for no good reason, so my first thought was... "well it must be a brain tumor" because that is usually my first diagnosis for any sort of unusual aches, pains or symptoms I experience, but I have this weird sort of superstition where I kind of believe that if I acknowledge that a scenerio is possible, it won't actually happen because I am kind of prepared for it... I guess it's kind of like a reverse murphy's law... like I try to think of the worst case scenario for a situation and then I kind of figure since I am just a person with no particular medicle or worldly knowelege if I can concieve of something happening with no outside consultation, there is no way in hell that it will actually happen because I am just not smart enough to accurately diagnose things... although that being said I kind of feel like maybe I am getting too cocky in thinking that I'm safe from things just because I think that I can't diagnose myself... is that an oxymorone?

You tube and some junk

Wow, I got really bold today and wrote a title before I wrote my blog entry, I usually don't know what the hell I'm gonna end up writing about, so I typically would wait until after I'm done writing to do the title, but today after watching community Channel's new video on You Tube I was just so inspired that I knew that you tube would be all that I would want to write about... unless I decided to go off on a rant... so that is why I added the "and some junk" bit... I'm always one step ahead of myself. HA!

Okay, so as I mentioned, I just watched a video on You tube by a very talented/super cool video blogger named Natalie, and it totally made me want to give video blogging another go. (And also it made me want to speak... and write apparently, like an Aussie... Natalie [or nat as I would call her if we were BFFs] is Australian). I don't imagine that I could ever hope to make a video as good even as Natalie's crappiest video, but yeah, You Tube is pretty neat. There are a lot of amusing videos on there, and I bet a lot more people watch videos on you tube than read blogs on blogger... not that I need people to pay attention to me, but I would feel so honored and cool if I could inspire someone else to do something creative or expressive the way that Natalie insipres me. She really lites a spark under my ass... plus it's always cool to put something out there that other people think is cool. There have been a few instances in my life where I did things that other people thought were cool.

... I remember this one time when I was in college there was a professor who was was giving an audtion lecture to my C++ class in hopes of being hired as a computer science teacher at my school. At the end of the lecture we had to write a review of the profesorial candidate's lesson, so I wrote some generic things about how he seemd to know his stuff and then I filled the rest of my card front and back with a commentary on how it would have felt to be the dry erase marker that the professoral candidate had used, 'cause he really banged the shit out of that marker agaginst the whiteboard while he was writing.... so anyway, the next day after our actual c++ professor had read through our review cards she said how funny she thought the card about the marker was and it had made her laugh and stuff and then she went around the room and was like "Lyall did you write that?" and he was like "no" and she asked a few other people and of coarse she never suspected that the quite girl in the corner migh have a sense of humor and I never said it was my card, 'cause I didn't wanna seem arrogant or anything, but it always makes me feel good about myself when people like the things I've written... not good enough to sit down and actually write something publishable, but yeah, as with most people, I really appreciate being appreciated....

and I really really appreciate Community Channel Natlie. She is probably my biggest hero right now... 'cause she makes kick ass videos AAAnd, she is an art student and seems to be quite good at it and she seems really down to earth and not arrogant and... oh yeah... she is GORGEOUS!!! So basically I have a bit of a crush on her (not like I would throw her down and do her, but like I might fly to Austrailia and stalk her if she ever stops posting new videos on You Tube 'cause that's how hooked I am on her stunning good looks and cunning wit... just kidding... OR AM I?!?!... well I definately am not kidding about the good looks and wit, but I am too cheap to fly out to Australia and stalk her, so probably not gonna do that), but all of that aside, I still just really enjoy watching her videos because even if she was ugly they entertain me and make me smile and I would like to do that for people too... Hmm I really seem to be on some kind of a hard core self expression kick lately. I think I spent a few months this year just not really expressing myself and yeah, it made me feel icky and lazy.

Plus with you tube and myspace and blogger to a lesser degree, it is a chance for me to (hopefully) document for all the nay sayers, that I am not a lame ass and I actually do have some wit sometimes. A lot of people probably just take me to be a boring blob, and most of the time they are right, but I would like to document... er recreate and enhance those moments when I do pull a funny thought out of my ass.... 'cause I know for a fact that some people don't believe it... like one time I was talking with my Uncle (my dad's brother) and he said that my cousins (not his kids, but my dad's sister's kids) had told him that I was funny and he seemed to be a little skeptical of that notion, so yeah I happen to think that my uncle is HI-larious, and so I really want him to think that I am a humerous person too, but unfortunately in high pressure situations I am lucky if I can get my brain to fire off any sort of audible sound at all(... or if I do speak up, the things I say always end up sounding bitchy or pretentious and then I feel guilty for weeks and months and years afterwords...) and I usually feel pressured around anyone that I think has any sort of expectation of me, so yeah, I have probably said about 12-14 sentences to my uncle in my whole life and it's really sad that I can't talk to the people that I don't know that well 'cause most people (understandably) don't have the patience to wait for me to loosen the fuck up with them. Geeze I really need to work on my social anxiety. People always ask me what I'm so afraid of when it comes to talking to other people... but I really don't know, partially I guess I'm afraid that I'll say something stupid and never be forgiven for it, but mostly I think it's just that I want so badly to have something to say that I get lost in the search for the right words...

Friday, November 9, 2007

My Space

Well after years of saying, "I'll never join My Space" I finally did. Actually, I joined face book first, but it only took me about 3 days after I jumped on the facebook bandwagon to hop onto the myspace one.

My original objection with My Space was that I knew too many people (two to be exact) who had boyfriends that cheated on them with chicks they had met on MySpace, so it just seemed to me that hooking up was the main purpose of those sort of sites and I figured since I wasn't looking to hook up with anyone, there really would be no point to joining. The other day though, my friend Carly sent me an invitation to join FaceBook, so I decided, hey why not, FaceBook seemed like more of a way to reunite with old friends from school than a hook up forum, so I joined... and then I told a few people that I had joined facebook and most of them said, dude, facebook is lame, you need to join myspace, it's the same thing but better... so I figured it really was the same thing and BAM I now have a facebook account and a myspace account... but I only have like 3 or 4 friends on each... and all the people who are my friends have so many more friends, and my competative nature is flaring up and I'm totally desperate now to add more friends, so I at least don't look like a loser.

And so in the past week I have probably signed into my face book account about 15 - 20 times and I've done some searchign and whatnot to see if there are any of my old high school aquaintences that I can coerce into adding to my collection of friends so that it is not so small and pathetic. I have probably spent about 4 hours on my space so far which may not seem like a lot, but considering I joined less than 24 hours ago, I think it is a bit excessive. I definately do like my space better so far because it seems easier to customize the my space page and it's actually lives up to it's name, like it does feel like a space of your own. I found myself last night frantically riffling through the pictures on my computer to find the ones I could post that made me look the coolest. I spent probably about an hour answering and edititing my responses to the profile questions and then I spent two or three hours trying to find people that I know on MySpace that might becom myspace friends... I think it's become an addiction already.

I have been looking for some outlet to express myself lately. I joined Youtube about 2 months ago, and I joined blogger a few weeks ago... and actually started using it last weekend, so clearly I do wanna put myself out there. I want to leave my mark on the cyberworld, but I wonder if this is going to somehow detract from the time I would normally spend in the real world. Obviously times like now, where I am at work with no work to do, it's not really gonig to affect anything... although this would normally be my read about world news time and that is arguably more important than blogging... I guess it's a good thing that the phones have been dead at work hopefully I can accomodate all of my new internet worlds and still read news online and sharpen my brain by playing minesweeper and solitaire... oh yeah, and deal with work stuff it that happens to come up.

One concern I have with myspace now is that because I am bascially scrambling to get friends, I have sent out a few friend requests to people that I don't particularly think I'll talk to... like I just want them to see my page and think, "wow Jill's gotten a lot cooler since high school" and I want to have another little picture down in my friends section... like it seems like an excuse to not have to make any real effort to reconnect with people, but still get to find out what's going on in their life. Like it feels like laziness or greediness or something weird like that, but maybe I'm just being uptight. I mean just because I feel kinda dirty about it, doesn't mean I'm not gonna throw out a friend invite to people that I vaugley knew from high school.

Also, when I was cruising through a list of people who went to TO high at the same time as me, I started to get really depressed. I am not sure exactly why, but like as I looked at a lot of people's pages, it kind of made me feel like I've been bad or neglectful of my friends because a lot of people had a lot of myspace friends who were people they were tight with in High School and based on the comments I read on their pages, the still seemd to be pretty close. I had like 10 - 12 friends total in high school, and of that realtively small number there are three people with whom I still hang out. Also, it seems like everyone else has a career that is helping the world or contirbuing to the benift of man kind so much more than my job. Sigh... but I really do need to stop being so critical of my job. I am quite happy with my life before I start comparing myself to others and I am pretty good with my personal decisions even if my job is not going to make the world a better place, maybe I still can.... and as far as friends, who knows maybe I will be able to actually rekindle some friendships on my space. I would definately be stoked if I found out I had friends in my area. That would be a good way to bring the virtual token friends into real life.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

passive agressive

The other day I was at a movie, (Dan in real life ... it was funny, I recomend it) and there was this obnoxious couple sitting next to me. They kept talking throughout the movie and moving around and were just basically the last people in the world that you would want to get stuck next to in a movie theatre.

Well, about half way through the movie, just when I thought they could not get any more annoying, the girlfriend, throws an icee at her boyfriend, and her boyfriend, who unlike me was watching his girlfriend and not the movie when this happened, ducked, and the icee kind of splattered across the left side of my body and oozed into my lap. so that sucked. I was already cold and now my pants were soaking up frozen blue goo and it also sucked because I was visiting my family in Arizona and we were going out to a fancy dinner the next night and I was wearing the only nice clothes that I had brought with me... which were now 50% more sugary...

So I think the reaction for a normal person, who found his or herself in the situation that I was in, would have been to get annoyed and tell the stupid bitch that threw the icy that she better be planning on paying my dry cleaning bill, or something along those lines... and of coarse in my head I was wishing bad things on the girl, but her boyfriend appologized profusely to me and chastized his grilfriend so I told him it was fine and not to worry. The girl never appologized, but she and her boyfriend left pretty soon after the incident.

I was definately annoyed about what had happened, but I figured that yelling at the girl was only going to make a bigger louder more annoying scene for everyone else who was trying to watch the movie, and they didn't need that. Also I didn't want to have to deal with whatever this young disrespectful girl would throw back at me if I said anything to her, so I made the decision to just sit there and not say anything to the little punk who threw her icy. I mean if it took blue icy rain to get the couple to leave and let me enjoy the movie, then I figured maybe it was worth it.

About 15 minutes passed though and I was still cold and damp and annoyed, so I lean over to my boyfriend Tony and whisper "I can't believe you made me sit next to them... you are the man in this relationship you should have sat on the other side of me so I could sit next to my brother and you could have been a barrier to the people I don't know"... so yeah I was pretty much taking it out on Tony, which wasn't fair, but that is how I operate...

Like I am scared to act angry towards people I don't know. Or people I don't know that well. I am worried about how they will react and if it is someone I only kinda know I am worried that they won't forgive me for being angry... Generally things genuinely don't bother me, but with Tony and people that I know love me, I am a lot more likely to get annoyed by small things than I am with strangers and even if I'm not really that annoyed if I feel like people who I know well are trying to dis me or something like that I might react to it just as a matter of priniciple... and it seems really backwards and stupid that I generally give strangers the benefit of the doubt, but with people who I should know don't really want to do anything to make me feel bad, I tend to jump to conclusion more suddenly. It sucks that I do that, and I think it's not really fair that I am biased against people I know more than people I don't, I just don't know if the answer is that I should be more agressive towards strangers or less aggressive towards people I know... It's probably a little of both. I mean with strangers I really don't know their circumstances and it is hardly ever going to do me any good to try to correct behavior that I see as a problem, but with people I do know it may save me from some future annoyance or whatver, so that is the reason why I act like I act. I think that there are certain things, like the Icy, that no one would appreciate though and I should try to do what I can to stop people from being asses, not that it will necessarily make a difference to that person, but it might make her realize next time she's about to throw an icy, that her boyfriend isn't the only one who might get drenched... and in regards to taking things out on other people, well I really just need to stop that... ok, well this blog has gotten really ranty and has become some weird inner dialogue, so i think I'm gonna stick a fork in it.

Monday, November 5, 2007

houses without barriers

I remember when I was about 8 or 9 my brother and I used to climb up on the block wall in our back yard and walk along it. It was about 5 or 6 feet tall and about 10 inches wide, so it was not hard to balance on, but it was high enough off the ground so we could get a good view of our neighbors yards and houses and what not. It was especially cool because several of the houses on our block had the same type of wall, so my brother and I could explore our neighbor hood and get a behind the scenes tour. I thought it was so much fun, but at some point our parents told us we weren't allowed to climb around on the walls anymore, I think that one of our neighbors had told my parents that they felt like we were violataing their privacy.

Anyway, I was reminded of my wall walking experience the other day when I was searching the internet to find houses for sale in other states. I noticed that in most every state that I looked at other than California, almost no houses had fences or walls around them and my first thought was "Oh my god, I could never live like that with no privacy or seclusion"... but then I started to think about it more and I was like, not having ffences actually could be pretty cool. You could get that birds eye view into the flower bed behind your neighbors' houses and not be made to feel like a dirty prying intruder.

Everything in those fenceless neighborhoods is out in the open, so kids can have a much bigger area to play than they would if all they had was teh fenced in quarter acre surrounding their house. Also neighbors can't help but see each other and say "hi" or keep an eye out if they notice that little Timmy just fell into a rose bush.

It seems like those fenceless neighborhoods are the sort of community where your neighbors would happily loan you a cup of sugar and you wouldn't feel awkward asking them for sugar. I actually have not known any of the neighbors that have lived by me since I graduated college. My parents used to be very friendly and outgoing, but even when I was still living at home with them, we only knew 3 or 4 of the families in any of the neighbohoods that we lived in. Most people were just not really open to getting to know the people that they lived around. That seems sad.

The people that you live around can have a tremendous effect on your life and if you have a relationship with them it is more likely that you will give each other the respect that is deserved than if you have never met them. I find that in my apartment complex everyone keeps to themselves to the point where it seems like we are all invisible to one another.

People are always squealing their tires late at night in cars with the radio cranked too high as if they don't realize that the 500 other people who live in our apartment complex can hear them. No one holds doors or asks you nicely to take your laundry out of the drier when it's done. If you are three minutes late for the drier everything you just washed will be stacked on top of a dusty machine by the time you get there to pull it out, and if you are carrying in a bag of heavy groceries no one who passes you in the hall is going to hold up for an extra few seconds to help you with the door.

I try to be an exception to the rule in regard to the laundry room and the door, but if someone knocked on my door with an empty measuring cup and had that "damn I forgot to buy sugar for my cookies" look on their face, I probably wouldn't answer. It just doesn't seem worth it to actually sacrafice somethign, even as small as sugar, for people whom I don't believe would ever do the same for me. Holding a door and not getting ancy in the laundry line doesn't cost me anything but patience, but if they actually want me to give them something, then they have to treat me with enough respect for me to feel like they deserve it... but then I guess that's just the problem, no one wants to be the one to take the first step.

I try not to hold things againts my neighbors though, after all I don't know them. I haven't taken the time or made the effort to get to know them. I don't say "hi" to people because if I do, I might not get a "hi" back which would hurt my feelings, or worse, I might get a lot more than a "Hi"; I might get bombarded with a conversations or friendly chit chat when all I really wanna do is get into the safe confines of my apartment and watch the world on TV from the safety and comfort of my couch. I know that is not a healthy attitude. It seems so heartless... and it really is, but I tell myself, "it's ok, I'm not the bad guy here" because hey, they didn't say hi to me either. But I bet that is totally a California thing.

Just looking at those houses in Washington state and North Carolina with no fences around them makes me want to say hi to the people there. It makes me feel like it wouldn't be a waste. Even if they did want to chat, it would be worth my time because they might become a friend. They might care if it bothers me that they play their music too loud at 3:00 am and they might loan me some sugar to bake a cake... hell ,I probably would bring them over a slice when I was done... California is just not set up to work tha way though and I think partly its just because there are too damn many people... and also because Californians love dogs... You gotta have a fence so you can have a yard for your dog and if you're living in a city with thousands and thousands of people you'd lose your voice by 10:00 am if you said hi to everyone that you passed... and pretty much california is one giant long continuous city from San Diego to San Francisco, there are some rural areas in between, but in a couple decades there probably won't be. There are just too many people to be polite and friendly to all of them or at least that sounds like a reasonable justification for not being friendly.

Everyone does need some alone time, I could be wrong, but I think that everyone everywhere needs a place to be alone for a while to maintain sanity and catch up with themselves, but that is what curtains are for. When you're out of your house and out in the world you should welcome it and welcome the people in it, so yeah, that is why i kinda want to get out of Cali. I wanna do my part to ease the over crowding in this state and cozy up to a place where people aren't packed in so tight that they don't have time for respect or comrodery, but in the mean time, I hope that I can summon up enough courage and compassion to knock down some of the walls in my own hood and give some sugar to my neighbors if they ever ask... at the very least I'm going to start trying to say "hi" to the folks I pass in the hallway.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Blog Mission Statement

Well, here I am making another attempt to reignite the creative spark that I feel burning out inside of me... hmm ok well maybe I'm being a bit overly dramatic, but since I graduated college I have been writing less and reading books less than I ever have since I learned to write and read and that makes me sad. It is true that now that I am working 9 hours a day and commuting to work and whatnot, I have less free time than ever, but the use of the few hours of free time that I do have disappoints me. I mean sure, I feel pretty drained by the end of a work day, but what is my excuse for the weekends... and what about all the free time I have at work. I am at work for 9 hours, but only like 2-7 of those hours are actually required to get all of my work done. I would say I am better than every at solitaire, hearts and minesweeper, and I am like an encyclopedia of knowledge about celebrity goings on but I don't particularly consider any of those achievements something to be proud of. I mean I let myself off the hook by telling myself that this is just me adjusting to the foreign world of life after school, but I graduated in 2005, so by now I really should be getting on with things.

One thing that I am proud of myself for is that I have taken up reading news articles at work and often I will watch the news when I get home, so yay, it took 24 years, but I finally have a slight interest and a vague knowledge of what's going on in the world... perhaps I may grow to be a well informed, responsible citizen. YAY! Also I have little moments where I feel like I'm handling my life pretty well, I feel good about the fact that I have given up driving. Riding my bike to work keeps me fit, helps the good old environment out and saves me money, so kudos to me for the bike riding. I also do little things like recycle and conserve power when I can and I feel like I am a pretty green girl... although when I took an eco-footprint test I found out it would take like 3.2 earths to support the world population if they all had my lifestyle... its because I'm too much of a lactose lover and I fly home too much... but now that Tony has his Prius we are going to be all about driving, so take that nasty planet killing jet fuel! ... and maybe I can cut down on the chocolate and cheese... I really should I am sure Hershey's doesn't care how their cows are treated and I don't really research where my cheese comes from either... but that is the thing about addiction, when you're a junkie sometimes you just don't care about who you hurt... stupid stupid lactose addiction. Ok, so back to the subject of things that I do that DO NOT SUCK since I graduated college... Oh, I'm sure its totally lame, but I am so damn proud of myself when I make doctors appointments and go to the dentist and stuff like that... 'cause I really don't like that shit, but I take care of myself, and I think it rocks that I have health insurance that pays for most of it, health insurance is sooo grown up and cool. YAY for BLUE CROSS or BLUE SHIELD or whoever gives me health coverage, and YAY for SHAMROCK for offering me insurance. So yeah I pretty much don't depend on my parents and more which means that I am independent and that certainly is something to be proud of...

So yeah as far as my general lifestyle I am pretty happy with the way things are going, but the free time is all about TV... which makes me sad... but at least there are good things to watch, like pushing daises and Heroes and Weeds and things like. I mean I don't spend every second of my free time in front of a TV, I get crafty every once and a while and make things like candles and earrings... and I get enterprising sometimes and decide I'm going to start online businesses and then ultimately ditch those ideas, but yeah it gives me hope for my future for a brief moment when I'm dreaming up candle making kits to sell and Jammin Jam stands to run... but then when the reality of shipping and marketing and the fact that my product might not sell start to sink in it's annoying...

Anyway, the point that I started off trying to make is that I need to use my brain for bettering my life and the world MORE and use it as a super absorbant sponge for advertising and pop culture LESS... and so I shall blog.