Saturday, November 17, 2007


my whole life feels like nothing but waiting around for what's next... I am just waiting for the next cool thing to happen to me or come to me and not making anything happen. When I'm at an event or watching TV or working or whatever I'm always thinking about what I'll do when I'm done with my current task and only paying half attention to what is currently going on. I think that is why I never seem to be able to enjoy Sundays... I'm already thinking about having to go to work the next day. Friday and Saturday are good though 'cause I know the next day will be free for me, but yeah the rest of the days of the week are kind of a bummer. Right now I am sitting on the couch watching movies and biding my time until Tony gets back from hanging out with his friend March... three hours ago I was wishing Tony would just leave already so I could get my night of chilling around the apartment alone going... what the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I just live in the present and enjoy what's going on now... I mean I do generally enjoy my mornings. That is when I am outside and active and I feel good... of coarse in the back of my mind I am still planning out the rest of the day, but the rest of the day always seems like it could end up being so fun and hopeful.

In regards to making my life happen. I really should start working on that. I'm always like, "someday I really am going to write a novel" or "someday I'll own a house" meanwhile I've been cranking out a novel 1 sentence per week for months and making pretty much no progress. I know that if I wanna ever buy a house in the bay area, I need to get a job that will pay more money... or publish a novel or whatever, but I'm just kinda laying back and riding things out... waiting for something that makes my job unbearable so I will have to leave or some opportunity to just fall into my lap. It's lame. I mean I AM comfortable with my life at this point, but there is more that I want out of life that I really am going to need to step it up for at some point.

I know that plenty of people don't make as much money as me and a lot of people would be thrilled to have such a laid back job, but I like to be busy, the day goes faster when there is more work to do... and I like to feel useful. I do get the occasional busy day or glimmer of job satisfaction, but for the most part I am just fucking up my vision staring at a computer all day while I rot my mind playing stupid computer games.

So yeah I should strive for more there is no excuse for my laziness, but I sometimes get into this internal conflict where I just get really angry with myself for taking all the good things that I have for granted and always thinking that what I have is not enough. I should be satisfied with my life as it is. I have a job that pays me plenty. I can afford a nice apartment and I can afford to go out to eat occasionally and travel and still put some money away for the future. I have a boyfriend who loves me very much and is supportive of me and treats me well. I have a family who loves me and some really good friends. All in all I do have a good life, so wanting more seems a little greedy, but not trying to get more seems lazy. I guess I just won't let myself win, and if it comes down to it, it always seems like the better thing ( or at least the American thing) is to try to appreciate what I have, but never stop striving for more.

So yeah this has been another pep talk that will probably not amount to anything. I'm not going to work on my novel right now, I'm not going to search jobs, I'm going to continue to watch "The opposite of sex"... even though it's only a pretty good movie so far... and wait for Tony. I so admire those people who just accept their flaws and say " Yeah I'm a bitch and I'm fat and I don't give a shittt!". Because I guess everyone has flaws, but the ones that don't give a shit about them... don't give a shit, so they are happy, so maybe I should just say "yeah bitches I'm not ambitious, but I'm a good person and I'm gonna enjoy my life and do good in my own world and fuck anyone who has a problem with it"

Anyway, now I really don't know where the hell I stand... I wonder if I have mild schizophrenia or something.

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