Sunday, May 31, 2009

Jill + Kitchen Gadgets = Maaania

I woke up this morning with an uncontrollable urge to bake... so I started to get the stuff together to make pretzels and while I was reaching in the cabinet to get a big pot to boil water in I caught a glimpse of the rack I bought at IKEA last weekend that I now have all of my pot's lids neatly displayed in and I was immediately filled with adoration and excitement... that's right.... I LOVE MY POT LID RACK ! and I want the whole world to know it! I never knew what to do with all the damn lids I have for my pots and pans 'cause they've all got little handles on top and don't stack neatly like the pots do, but then I remembered that my mom had a little rack that she put her lids in and I was like, "oh I'll just go and buy one of those" but I went to like 5 or 6 stores and couldn't find the device I as looking for, but then I went to IKEA and they have EVERYTHING YOU COULD EVER WANT FOR YOUR KITCHEN THERE! so obviously they had a pot lid rack and an attractive one at that so now I have so much more space in my pots and pans cabinet that I could buy like 4 more pots and still have room due to the fact that I organized my stupid lid jumble and put it neatly in a rack. POT LID RACK YOU ARE AWESOME!

I also love the 2 new knives I got at IKEA...(IKEA is not paying me for this blog by the way... although I would totally be down with corporate sponsorship, so if anyone reads this and you know some big wig at IKEA send them my way... I've got some nice things to say about their dressers and desks too, but I'm not gonna throw that out for free right now) Anyway, one of my new knifes is designed for the specific purpose of cutting vegetables and though I have been eating vegetables for as far back as I can remember I have never had such a knife before in all of my life... I've used it every day since i bought it and every day it has exceeded the hype I have built up in my mind about how great it is... it just slices through onions, mushrooms carrots and every other veggie I have pitted it against like it's sliding through a heaven, so yeah, I've just been slicing my way to heaven for 7 days straight...

I don't even need the cooking utensils to be in my home for them to excite me. I just like to be around them in stores or in other peoples houses... or even seeing cool kitchen things on TV gives me a little buzz... 'cause I see those things and I'm like "someday... someday you may be mine shiny wheat grinding kitchen aid stand mixer attachment for the kitchen aid stand mixer that I do not yet have"... wow... that will be awesome when I have my pimped out kitchen aid... and I'm not a brand whore... it doesn't have to be Kitchenaid... but I really do wanna grind my wheat to make fresh ass flour... I grew about 1 bundle of wheat this year... I think that would make almost 1/4 cup of flour... and I think I could use that to make a tiny cupcake... so that'd be pretty awesome...

Anyway, as I was standing there in the kitchen awe struck by my new cooking devises I started to think that maybe I was being a little weird... my knives don't literally turn me on (omg I just remembered that one flash back episode of Friends where Monica was trying to seduce Chandler with a sexy kitchen knife and then accidentally cut his toe off... that was a good episode !) Anyway, unlike Monica on Friends, I don't want to actually bump and grind with my lid stand or my veggie knife, but seeing them in my kitchen does genuinely put a cherry on top of my day. I've even had days that have been completely turned around by cooking gadgets... today for example... I woke up and it's kinda foggy and gray and blah outside and I was thinking about how its Sunday so I have to go to work tomorrow and was generally not feelin' super chipper, but I knew I was gonna get to make pretzels so that cheered me a little bit, but then when I saw my lid holder BAM I WAS IN HAPPY LAND... and an hour later I am still sittin' here ridin' the happyland express ! So thank you lid holder for elevating my mood from asi-asi to QUE BUENO!,

At this moment obviously I don't feel ashamed or weird about my love of culinary gadgetry, but I did have that brief moment where I was like... wow I must be some kind of freak 'cause of the way kitchen stuff gets my motor running... not many people (that I know) talk excitedly about their new cooking tools, so I was like hmm... maybe this is a weird freakish obsession... but then it occurred to me... archaeologists find remnants of dishes and bowls and cooking tools that were totally decked out with elaborate pictures and designs and made of expensive metals and obviously cherished by their ancient owners... and cookware and dishes are something that pretty much every society around the world had. They didn't all have shoes or written language, but food service, that shit was obviously important to like every society ever, so I guess I am not a freak at all, I'm just being human by loving food and food related utensils... and anyone who denies the excitement that a new kitchen gadget can bring is obviously the one who is some inhuman freakazoid.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The "I can't believe you just called me fat" game

I try not to be one of those girls who behaves as girls are expected to all the time. I think I might have an actual phobia of falling into a stereotype because at times I have an almost obsessive need to feel like I'm special and being stereotypical just does not work for me... and yet I tend to get annoyed at people who I feel are TRYING TOO HARD to be special and unique (I guess me and the evil villain, Sylar, from Heroes have that in common... that can't be a good sign).

That being said... there is one terribly girly trait that I do allow myself to indulge in fairly frequently: I love to overreact when guys say something to me that could somehow be construed as an insinuation that I am fat. For example if someone said to me " wow you really look great in that dress" I could say to them "Gee THANKS ! I guess normally I look like a cow huh? maybe I better just wear this dress all the time so I don't OFFEND YOU with my OBESITY". Or if they say " I'm full do you want the last piece of pizza ? " I could retort "Oh of coarse I do... YEAH just give it to Jill she'll eat it! She's obviously put away a few pieces of pizza before! "

It's not something I do all the time, but for some reason I think it's funny sometimes... i guess it's 'cause most guys get really really apologetic right away and then I feel like I did a good job of tricking them and I guess it's just like a tiny lame little prank... If I thought someone was seriously calling me fat though I would not think it was so fun at all... in fact I might punch them... or cry about it... or at the very least feel hurt.

An example of that would be the other day when I was at work: there was a substitute driver for the guy who normally delivers the uniforms for our crew's at work and he asked "did you just have a baby" and I took offense to that 'cause that seemed like a random question that could mean nothing other than "hey you look like you're holding onto some extra weight like a woman who just had a baby would be." so my response to him was just "NO" followed by a death stare... and his response to that was a long explanation of how he had apparently filled in for our normal uniform delivery person several months earlier as well and one of the ladies at an office where he delivered uniforms had told him that she was 8 months pregnant and he thought it was my office or I looked like the woman or something and he didn't mean to imply that I looked like I had just had a baby if I hadn't, but yeah, that guy was actually pretty tactless. I did still enjoy the way he was squirming after he realized I was not the baby momma he thought I was... so I guess that ended up being ok.

Why do I enjoy the squirming... that's so cruel... oh well I blame TV... It's way less mean than anything they've ever done on PUNKD which is a show that I ocassionally enjoy, so my desire to toy with men in this way must somehow be MTVs fault.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

blink away stale ideas

Yesterday when I was riding home from work I kept having really amusing thoughts that I think would have been great blog entries... but I was RIDING MY BIKE in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE... so obviously I couldn't write the ideas down... I mean I suppose I could have pulled over to the side of the road and sat down and started writing my thoughts down... but writing by hand feels so slow now that I've been spoiled by having a key board pretty much chained to me for 10-12 hours out of every day, plus I'd look like a total weirdo / might also put myself in a less than safe position if I was just chillin' on the side of the road hunched over and writing...

Besides the inconvenience and uncoolness of taking writing breaks while I ride my bike, I also think its the blood and adrenaline that gets flowing through me when I'm riding or exercising or what have you that inspires all of the interesting thoughts that I'm having, so when I stop with the activity I think I tend to be a little less interesting and witty so by the time I do finally get to where I'm going my thoughts tend to be stale and less sharp.

Yesterday, for example, when I got home I did write my thoughts down but I had been trying to remember what I was thinking about that I thought was worth writing so I ended up spending first half of my ride home thinking all these interesting things to myself and wishing I could be blogging about them right then and there and then I spent the second half of my ride repeating a few reminder words over and over in my head so I wouldn't forget the general gist of what I had been thinking... so for half my ride there was no new brain activity going on and all of my adrenaline was being wasted.

To solve this dilemma, though, where I get my good ideas when I'm out and about 've decided I should buy one of those machines they use for people who are paralyzed and stuff where you can somehow hook something up to your eye lids and then dictate to your thoughts by blinking. That way I can keep the adrenaline and blood flowing to my brain whilst blogging. It would be awesome... too bad all the paralyzed folks are hoarding their technology ? Why aren't those blinking machines at Target next to the Ipods ? who wouldn't want to use of those things... I mean they must be a great way to write 'cause Stephen Hawking and a whole bunch of other paralyzed folks wrote entire best selling novels with them. I can't be the only one that wants to be able to impare my vision by typing things while I get around... drivers could use them too... it'd be the next great blue tooth device to put in your car... I mean sure I suppose all of this could be done via speaking into a headset or something like that also, but people always end up looking like they're crazy and talking to themselves with those blue tooth headsets... If you are riding around blinking a lot people would probably just assume you were having a stroke or a seizure and to me that seems like a more socially acceptable way to go.

So yeah, tech. companies need to start mass producing more of those blinking dictation things so folks like me can multitask better. GET ON THAT SMARTIES !

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Jill + glasses...

I have always been a huge fan of glasses ! Those spiffy little accents so nicely fill up the awkward extra space on your face and draw attention to your eyes. (and I happen to think my eyes are probably one of my best features) It's almost as if glasses draw a circle around your eyes and magnify them and say HEY CHECK OUT THESE SWEET ASS PEEPERS I'VE GOT RIGHT HERE ... HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS FABULOUS FRAME... THAT'S RIGHT MY EYES ARE FRAAAAMED... JUST LIKE THEY SHOULD BE 'CAUSE THEY'RE FREAKIN' WORKS OF ART !

I think most of the crushes I had on guys in high school were at least 85 % based on the fact that I thought such and such a guy had sexy glasses. A few examples of that phenomina would be Tavis (from Reel Big Fish), The guy with the glasses that had math class next to me ... and of coarse my Jr. Prom date, Nick Brown... I even worked my adoration of his glasses into the pick up line I used to ask him out...I ambled right up to him one day when I passed him alone in the hall and I blurted "Hey Uhm... uhhh... I just wanted to tell you that ... ThoseGlassesAreReallyBecomingOnYouButIfIWasOnYouI'dBeCummingToo.
DoYouWannaGoToPromWithMe? " So he totally bought that line and went to prom with me even though it later surfaced that he had not understood my pick up line, and he seemed to only have gone to prom with me cause he didn't want to be mean or he wanted to seem cool or something like that, but the point is not that Nick Brown is lame and kind of used me to go to prom and then said he liked someone else, the point is that his glasses were so powerfully cool that I forced myself to overcome my shyness for a moment in order to spend an evening much closer to those very cool glasses.

Anyway, since glasses are basically the most nerdilicous accessory a person could ever have, I felt cursed for most of my life by my fuckin 20/20 vision.... Why couldn't I be one of those smart sophisticated 4-eyed people I so admired? Some of my friends suggested that I could just wear frames... but come on... that would make me a poser... and that's just not cool. NO! I didn't just want the glasses I wanted the fucked up vision to go with them... I wanted the whole glasses experience !

My bespeckled friends would try to console my by telling me that glasses were actually a pain in the ass and they wished that they didn't have to wear them... and some even wore contacts in lieu of glasses, but I figured they were just lying or mistaken and though I appreciated their efforts to make me feel better... it didn't bring me any closer to the crappy vision I so craved.

When I still didn't need glasses after I graduated college I figured that was it. I would never need glasses... there would be no more bad florescent lighting and staring at white boards that were too far away. No more chlorine in my eyes every day at swimming and waterpolo practice and to add insult to injury I really like carrots. I have cut back recently but there was a time where I would go through a big bag of those baby carrots that look like little midget fingers in a week... So I figured I would probably just be cursed with good vision forever...

Then I moved to San Francisco and took a job at Shamrock Moving and Storage. Nine hours a day of splitting my time between staring at a computer monitor and staring at a tiny schedule gridded out on a white board across the room in an office lit with the worlds worst flickering dim yellow florescent lights finally did the trick. After about a year of working in my company's San Francisco office (or the cave as I like to think of it) I began to notice that it was hard to make out the writing on the white board across the room... at first my vision problems seemed to be isolated to work, but then that burning fuzzy vision began to find its way into my life at other places too: Road signs, fast food menus, and then one day my fuzzy vision found itself at the eye doctor where it was proclaimed to my delight that I needed a 0.1 % correction to bring my vision up to 20/20. HALLELUJAH !

SWEET ! IT HAD FINALLY HAPPENED... I WAS FINALLY GOING TO GET GLASSES. I had decided to go to Costco to get the eye exam and purchase my glasses because I am after all a cheap bastard... even though I've wanted glasses my whole life I didn't feel the need to get all crazy and go somewhere where they might have a larger variety of frames to choose from for fear that I would have to pay more... so obviously I was kinda disappointed when I found that the selection of glasses they offered was faily limited. None of the frames were really as thick as I wanted, but I found a pair with a good shape that kind of reminded me of Tina Fey's glasses and I went with it... and two weeks later I had them. My very own LOOK AT MY EYES glasses ! ... and they were kind of annoying... they gave me a headache... which apparently is to be expected and they left little dents on my nose that turned into large zits later on and they hurt my ears and I kind of didn't like the way they looked with my hair... and I clearly looked nothing like Tina Fey with them on so that is how I became a sometimes glasses wearer... and gained an even greater admiration for everyone else who wears glasses and manages to look super hot in them. Jill + glasses on face < anyone else in the world + glasses on face

Friday, May 8, 2009

I started writing about being a dog and then somehow was reminded of Natalie Portman

People act like its the best thing in the world to be a human... WHAaa ? Really ? I think I'd much rather be a dog... I think that would allow me to be myself without having to worry about social stigma... I love being around people (just like dogs do... or maybe not all dogs... I guess I'm thinking of like a lab or a retriever or something). I also love to be petted and have other people brush my hair for me... It makes me feel tingly and relaxed at the same time when people do that for me... so yeah pretty much one of the all time best sensations in the world.

...If I was a dog it would not make me weird or insecure or lame that I want everyone to like me it would just make me a fantastic freakin' dog. I always admire people that don't care what people think about them... but that definately isn't me... I care way too much for my own good about what people think about me... but so do dogs. All they/ I wanna do is please you and make you happy, but when they do it's sweet and when I do it it's pathetic... what the hell is up with that. I can still be my own person and obsess about what others think about me... that's who I am yo !

Also I like working. Give me a sled and I would pull that shit (did I mention I like snow)... oh and also I like to play catch and wriggle around for no reason... I find most days at work I take a little extra me time in the bathroom once I've washed my hands and just make faces at myself in the mirror and shake my booty around... It feels good to let loose just 'cause I can... its annoying to have to be all tame and contained in the office all day: just sitting here in my chair with a blank expression typing away and filing things and being all normal. I've gotta let the crazy out behind closed doors 'cause I'm sure if I did my booty shakin or face makin' in the middle of the office Theresa would be really scared... as would I be if she did...but if I was a dog she'd think it was riddiculosly adorable... and she'd be right I can be pretty adorable when I flail !

Dogs, like me can be amused by the silliest little things... like when I see geses on my way to work... there is definately an impulse that grabs me to drop my bike and run at them... and if I ever caught them I would wanna hold them and cuddle them and pet them... if I were a dog I imagine I might wanna eat them, but if I was a dog that wanted to cuddle with gosslings that would just make me the cutest dog ever... so that's the dog I would be. The kind that cuddles with baby animals not the kind that bites their head off and shakes them around... speaking of dogs and baby geese (which remind me of baby chickens) I saw the funniest videos yesterday that made me really hope that Natalie Portman and Rashida Jones are BFFs in real life... if you watch these in order you will probably feel the same way...


So Basically after watching that and that rap that she did for SNL I've decided that Natalie Portman is pretty much the badest assed most likeable lady in the world.

there doesn't even need to be a voquation... Natlalie Portman = Awesomeness !!! Natalie Portman + a bee sting (still) = awesomeness !
Although I still think being a dog > being Natalie Portman

Anyway, I think this kinda sucked 'cause I kept having to answer phones at work and lost my momentum and train of though several times while I was writing this blog entry, none the less, I haven't posted anything for a while so I figure I oughtta just jump back on that posting to my blog pony and ride it... so that is what I have just done