Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Jill + glasses...

I have always been a huge fan of glasses ! Those spiffy little accents so nicely fill up the awkward extra space on your face and draw attention to your eyes. (and I happen to think my eyes are probably one of my best features) It's almost as if glasses draw a circle around your eyes and magnify them and say HEY CHECK OUT THESE SWEET ASS PEEPERS I'VE GOT RIGHT HERE ... HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS FABULOUS FRAME... THAT'S RIGHT MY EYES ARE FRAAAAMED... JUST LIKE THEY SHOULD BE 'CAUSE THEY'RE FREAKIN' WORKS OF ART !

I think most of the crushes I had on guys in high school were at least 85 % based on the fact that I thought such and such a guy had sexy glasses. A few examples of that phenomina would be Tavis (from Reel Big Fish), The guy with the glasses that had math class next to me ... and of coarse my Jr. Prom date, Nick Brown... I even worked my adoration of his glasses into the pick up line I used to ask him out...I ambled right up to him one day when I passed him alone in the hall and I blurted "Hey Uhm... uhhh... I just wanted to tell you that ... ThoseGlassesAreReallyBecomingOnYouButIfIWasOnYouI'dBeCummingToo.
DoYouWannaGoToPromWithMe? " So he totally bought that line and went to prom with me even though it later surfaced that he had not understood my pick up line, and he seemed to only have gone to prom with me cause he didn't want to be mean or he wanted to seem cool or something like that, but the point is not that Nick Brown is lame and kind of used me to go to prom and then said he liked someone else, the point is that his glasses were so powerfully cool that I forced myself to overcome my shyness for a moment in order to spend an evening much closer to those very cool glasses.

Anyway, since glasses are basically the most nerdilicous accessory a person could ever have, I felt cursed for most of my life by my fuckin 20/20 vision.... Why couldn't I be one of those smart sophisticated 4-eyed people I so admired? Some of my friends suggested that I could just wear frames... but come on... that would make me a poser... and that's just not cool. NO! I didn't just want the glasses I wanted the fucked up vision to go with them... I wanted the whole glasses experience !

My bespeckled friends would try to console my by telling me that glasses were actually a pain in the ass and they wished that they didn't have to wear them... and some even wore contacts in lieu of glasses, but I figured they were just lying or mistaken and though I appreciated their efforts to make me feel better... it didn't bring me any closer to the crappy vision I so craved.

When I still didn't need glasses after I graduated college I figured that was it. I would never need glasses... there would be no more bad florescent lighting and staring at white boards that were too far away. No more chlorine in my eyes every day at swimming and waterpolo practice and to add insult to injury I really like carrots. I have cut back recently but there was a time where I would go through a big bag of those baby carrots that look like little midget fingers in a week... So I figured I would probably just be cursed with good vision forever...

Then I moved to San Francisco and took a job at Shamrock Moving and Storage. Nine hours a day of splitting my time between staring at a computer monitor and staring at a tiny schedule gridded out on a white board across the room in an office lit with the worlds worst flickering dim yellow florescent lights finally did the trick. After about a year of working in my company's San Francisco office (or the cave as I like to think of it) I began to notice that it was hard to make out the writing on the white board across the room... at first my vision problems seemed to be isolated to work, but then that burning fuzzy vision began to find its way into my life at other places too: Road signs, fast food menus, and then one day my fuzzy vision found itself at the eye doctor where it was proclaimed to my delight that I needed a 0.1 % correction to bring my vision up to 20/20. HALLELUJAH !

SWEET ! IT HAD FINALLY HAPPENED... I WAS FINALLY GOING TO GET GLASSES. I had decided to go to Costco to get the eye exam and purchase my glasses because I am after all a cheap bastard... even though I've wanted glasses my whole life I didn't feel the need to get all crazy and go somewhere where they might have a larger variety of frames to choose from for fear that I would have to pay more... so obviously I was kinda disappointed when I found that the selection of glasses they offered was faily limited. None of the frames were really as thick as I wanted, but I found a pair with a good shape that kind of reminded me of Tina Fey's glasses and I went with it... and two weeks later I had them. My very own LOOK AT MY EYES glasses ! ... and they were kind of annoying... they gave me a headache... which apparently is to be expected and they left little dents on my nose that turned into large zits later on and they hurt my ears and I kind of didn't like the way they looked with my hair... and I clearly looked nothing like Tina Fey with them on so that is how I became a sometimes glasses wearer... and gained an even greater admiration for everyone else who wears glasses and manages to look super hot in them. Jill + glasses on face < anyone else in the world + glasses on face

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