Last weekend was good until I turned into some other asshole

Last weekend started off really great. I woke up thinking it was Friday and then had the unexpected pleasure, just as I was about to get into the shower, of realizing that it was in fact Saturday. I WAS STOKED! I love Saturday. It's the best day of the whole week. You get to sleep a little bit more and don't have to work (except if you do... and sometimes I do, but its usually easier work) and then you have the next day to recover from whatever you do on Saturday night. It's just an all around super time of the week.

Having overly excited myself by realizing what day it was I decided I could not go back to sleep... and that wasn't even a problem 'cause I knew I could take a nap later. Since I was up I decided I should take the opportunity to do some grocery shopping. I had noticed that strawberries or something random like that was on sale at Safeway so I decided to go there instead of going to Trader Joes like I normally do... and I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER WITH THAT DECISION. Not only were strawberries on sale, but also ARTICHOKES, MUSHROOMS, RICE CRISPIES, FROZEN FRENCH FRIES, FROZEN PIZZA and probably some other stuff I am forgetting were all on sale...so basically a PLETHORA of my favorite foods were well stocked and on sale... it was sooo damned exciting ! ! ! According to my receipt I saved like $36.00 on groceries... I could not be more proud or pleased about that if I had gotten food for free. AWESOME. Getting good deals on groceries just really does it for me...

So anyway, I went home put the groceries away did some cleaning and took a nap... when I woke up from the nap it was like a whole new day... It wasn't like I was in a bad mood, but my excitement had been reset to whatever my normal level of excitement is. I was looking forward to going to dinner with my coworkers, but I was not nearly as excited about that as I was about the artichokes (the were $1.00 each they are normally like $3.50 - $5.00 each... and they weren't even shitty artichokes... it definitely was a sale worthy of the excitement it brought me), but I wasn't particularly in the mood to ride my bike 'cause it was windy outside (Me + Bike + Wind = Me - having a good time + annoyed) ( why do I love making word equations? I am such a dork...)

Whether I wanted to or not (and I DID NOT) I had to ride my bike to my office though to meet Theresa 'cause she was giving me a ride to the city where we were meeting the San Francisco Shamrock office ladies for dinner. Tony would have given me a ride at least to my office I'm sure, but he was indoor sky diving with his friend, so that wasn't an option.

The wind was totally horrible on Saturday. I was pedaling as hard as I could but felt like I wasn't even moving. and that is something that really jerks my chicken... I just hate working really hard at things and ending up with nothing to show for it, so after about an hour and forty minutes of struggling against the wind I arrived at my office pretty cranky and exhausted, but I felt better after I got a chance to change into my nicer clothes and do my hair and put eye liner on... and I was starting to get a bit more excited about seeing the girls from the other office, so I'd say by the time Theresa and I headed out I was at a baseline level of confidence and excitement.

When Theresa and I got to the city and met Emily in front of the restaurant though, my excitement level went up a little and my confidence plummeted. which resulted in me pretty much immediately acting like some stupid ass hole. Emily asked me how jury duty was and I was like "oh it would have been good except some punk kids threw rocks at me" (ok, that's true it happened so I have no problem with that comment) but then I was like "but it WAS fun to watch the prospective jurors and mock them in my head" (WHAAAAT ? Why would I say that ? It was slightly true, but it was an arrogant thing to say... why would I want to sound arrogant what the hell? I gave an example of the kid that had not yet graduated high school who told the judge that he had lived in Hayward for 4 years and San Leandro for 16 years, but was only 18 years old... yeah he made an inaccurate statement, but I'm sure its scary to be sitting there in the jury box in front of a bunch of ass holes like me telling your life story to a judge and some lawyers) So I made that comment which I wish I hadn't, but in my head at the time I was just trying to sound more bad-ass than I actually am... I don't know why I cant just let myself be an amusing dork when I'm around people... Why not just throw out some word equations and talk about how I love food... everyone loves food... and who doesn't love a good word equation... I wish that my brain would just work out its issues with my mouth and let me be me all the time, but I haven't seemed to master that art yet.

The problem I was having on Saturday night was that I think that Emily is quite possibly the coolest chick in the world and I want her to like me, but I haven't seen her for a couple months so I was trying to cram 2 months worth of coolness into 1 night and acting like I used to act in high school when I wanted people to think I was cool... namely I was acting like a callous idiot. This continued the whole night. I kept trying to force myself to say something funny or interesting and I kept saying arrogant things that were somewhat true, but were not kind things to say about people (and which I won't repeat here). I wish I didn't get like that. I wish I could just be myself. I wish I had been spouting off shit about the artichokes I bought or baby geese or things that make me happy instead of the crap I was saying to sound "cool", but when I try to force myself to talk in a group that I am not fully comfortable with I just only seem to be able to spout out caddy bitchy things or random observations like when Emily was texting a lot and I said "hey you're acting like you have an Iphone but you don't have an I phone" ... Yeah good one Jill way to start a conversation what is she going to say to that... Anyway I was lame all night and probably left a really poor impression on everyone and then I went on to leave an even poorer impression on myself, but to sum up this post in a vague and awkward way... I need to stop trying to be someone else and accept that sometimes being myself means just sitting there and being quite. I think quite lameness is a lot easier to forgive than arrogant stupidity.