Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Fluffy Globbs of Bloop in a Forest of Firm Tomatoes

My gynecologist was giving me my yearly exam the other day and while she was checking for tumors on my breasts she said "Wow your breasts are so easy to examine." and having no idea what that was supposed to mean I said "oh... o...k." so then Dr. Gandhi felt like she should expand and she continued. " I mean most womens' breasts are so firm, and dense which can make it really hard to tell if there is a lump there, but yours aren't like that at all! They're so soft you would know right away if you had a lump."

Well shit... I kind of thought my breasts sucked... I mean pretty much every celebrity rack I've ever seen is infinitely better than mine, but I figure actresses can afford to make them look that way...I assumed they probably had breasts like mine but they put them in a better bra and maybe put make up on them or something ... I don't know...

I haven't actually felt up too many chicks, ( There was a phase in high school when me and all of my friends on swim team would go around grabbing each other's boobs, but we were usually in swim suits and even my rack was fabulously firm in the tight-ass Speedos I used to wear so that doesn't really count)...so I would say I don't really have much basis for comparison when it comes to breast firmness, but Dr. Gandhi, would know.

I had been living in this ignorant haze where I thought, "hey maybe most women's breasts really aren't that firm... just like me..." I mean sure I figured there were the lucky few that had the firm tomato boobs, but I figured those voluptuous vixens were few and far between... but nope, after that remark from my OBGYN there is little doubt in my mind... my breasts are fluffy globs of bloop... while most women have pleasantly perky pectorals ... I'm sure Doctor Gandhi she sees more breasts in a day than Col Sanders ever did. She is a mammoreal connoisseur and she had to make a point of saying what unusually squishy and un-firm tits I have... AWESOME!

I would have so much rather have heard her say "Damn your breasts are just too firm for me to be able to tell if you have an unusual mass or not... we're going to have to do a mammogram... they're rock solid those knockers of yours... soo... soooo firm". That would have been cool. I wish I had those breasts, but nope... I've got a chest that would rival the stayed puffed marshmallow man. BOO : (

Oh well... I know I am being really petty and stupid right now... I should consider myself very lucky just to have two healthy breasts...and I do. I am very grateful to be as healthy as I am... I just wish I could be a little hotter... Tony seems to think I'm pretty though and he says he thinks my breasts are "fantastic", so I guess some people prefer their tomatoes a little overripe and squishy.


Robert said...

...you blog is so fucking funny. I love reading your shit. I've been sitting here for like 10 minutes and i still can't quit laughing. Nicole

Robert said...

Don't feel bad about your boobs it could be worse you could have pregnancy boobs. I used to think my boobs were too small. I now realize that my pre pregnancy boobs were perfect. I would do anything to get them back. LOL... I will probably end up paying $5,000 to get them as close as i can to what they were. Although I'm trying to hold out hope that they will mutate back after the milk dries up. Wishful thinking i know.